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My Name is Diane and I’m a 15 year old Alcoholic in AA

When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous I couldn’t have been an alcoholic. It was impossible at the age of 14!

I had my first drink at the age of six. Being the only girl out of three and being the youngest child, I could get my way. I now believe I was an alcoholic from the first drink, because from then on I set up my life in the alcoholic pattern. I lived in fear of the day, in hatred, in resentments, in a dream world. I would dream I had six closets full of clothes and all the girls were jealous of me. In real life, I was fat, overbearing, and jealous of others. I hated my mother because she would spank me and not let me go without a shirt, like the boys.

We moved away from that town just before I entered fourth grade. I was really lonely. I had no friends, and I couldn’t make any. Then I met kids who smoked, drank, and took drugs. My parents begged, beat me, and argued with me. But what the hell! They were the ones who had me and never wanted me. They were the ones who put me through all the years of misery. Now was the time to pay them back, I decided.

I started taking drugs and drinking. My self-pity caught fire. Booze and drugs helped me relieve it all. Wow! It was really weird. Sex also became very important, because I wanted love. Lots of love!I thought my home life was the problem, so I started going to counsellors, church, headshrinkers, the whole bit. It didn’t work. So here came the booze again.

I always wanted to belong. Anything the group said to do, I did. But I didn’t like it, and I wanted out. My bottom came up and hit me. I didn’t go down and hit it.

I got in contact with Alcoholics Anonymous through a doper friend. She just needed something to do, so she didn’t stick around. I stayed. I liked the love that I got. I needed that love. I stayed in, drunk, wanting to be “a part of, not apart from.”

Finally, after 11 months, I started working the program. Things began changing, and it was really beautiful. My relationship with my parents and other people is great. The love I receive, I pass along to still-sick alcoholics. God — my God — is very patient, thank goodness for that. I am now losing weight and feel fine. (I weighed 200 pounds.)

I still get some questioning looks from old-timers, but I know I am an alcoholic, and that’s all that counts. I feel rejected at times because the young people in our group are married and get together quite often, without me. God willing, in about four years I’ll be married, too, and then I’ll remember to ask the single young person to join in.

My father is still drinking, but I have to “let go and let God.” Maybe someday God will find him also. I am an alcoholic, and in two months I’ll be 16.

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