Recovering alcoholics, addicts, compulsive gamblers and co-dependents often need to redefine their own and their partners sexuality AND their sexual relatedness. Recovery is enhanced with improved sexual relations.
Even if every part of your body works perfectly, you still might not be terribly interested in sex. Maybe your relatedness was injured during the drinking, drugging or gambling years; maybe you’ve become bored with the routine nature of sex in a long-term relationship; maybe you want sex but your partner doesn’t; maybe you both want sex but can’t fit it in between the careers, the travel, the kids, the grandkids.
The first step is to sit down and talk about it. Schedule a time when you know you won’t be interrupted and share your feelings with your partner.
Even couples who have been together a long time often find it difficult to talk about their sex lives. Sex is an important part of a relationship. So it’s worth your time.
Don’t focus on what he or she does or doesn’t do. Try focusing on your own sensations of pleasure. Explain to your partner what areas are pleasurable and which are not and how you like to be touched. Then listen to him or her share his or her own wants and needs. Ideally, the two of you will be able to develop a plan to reignite the passion.
Some suggestions:
- Schedule sex. It might sound boring, but it ensures that sex doesn’t get pushed to the bottom of the list. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a little planning. You might even find it gets you in the mood!
- Shop online. For sex toys, that is. It’s private and fun. You’ll be amazed at how much something like a vibrator or flavored lubricant can enhance your sexual energy.
- Go a week (or more) without sexual intercourse. Instead, plan to dedicate 30 minutes a night together (clothed or unclothed) cuddling, massaging and touching different parts of each other. Spend another 10 minutes just kissing. Remember this? In high school we called it “necking.”
- Change your environment. Spend a day at the beach or a night in a nearby hotel to refresh your passion. Try having sex in another place, such as on the pull-out couch or on a soft blanket before the fire.
- Buy a book. Preview one online first. Books with titles like 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex (which comes complete with 26 invitations for you to send to your partner and 26 for your partner to send to you) or erotic short stories designed specifically for women and women could make for some great bedtime reading. Reading erotic literature several times a week has been scientifically proven to benefit women with low sexual desire.
If you find your sexual problems continue, consider professional help, either a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. Sex therapists are mental health providers trained to deal with issues around arousal, performance or sexual satisfaction. You’ll do a lot of talking and sharing when you see a sex therapist. In between sessions, you and your partner will have “homework” to complete, such as learning to be intimate without having sex and rediscovering each other sexually and sensually.
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