There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works…
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car repayments.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
What, no more twisted wit?